My name is Erin. I am 29 years old. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful boys, Timmothy who is 8 and Riley who is 19 months. I have been with my Husband Tim for almost 12 years.
This part of my story is hard for me to write. I have not really talked about this other than to close friends or family.
On February 23, 2012 we found out that we were pregnant. We had not been trying so it was a complete surprise. After the initial shock wore off, we were both thrilled. I started developing the common pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness and my breasts were tender. We had decided not to tell anyone until after our first OB prenatal appointment. Life went on as normal for the next week, I started my new job, took care of the boys, and was enjoying being pregnant.
On February 29, 2012, my 2nd day of work, I started cramping and bleeding. I called my OB and they wanted me to go get my HCG levels checked. They also wanted me to come in for an ultrasound the next day. I called Tim panicking. There was a snow storm that day. I remember driving to the lab with out any issues but driving back to work was a different story. I spent that night at a friends house close to where I worked because the roads where bad. The cramping got worse through out the night and I had started to pass large clots. The next morning, I drove home and picked up Tim and Riley and off we went to the OB appointment. When we got there, we went into for the ultrasound. After about 5 minutes the tech asked me if I was sure I had my dates right. I said yes. I chart, I know my dates. She showed me the screen, it was empty. I had lost my baby and had passed it with out even knowing the night before. We then went into the Doctors office to talk with him. He had told me that it was natures way of weeding out sick and unhealthy babies. Umm, way to talk to a mom who just lost her baby. He was not very sympathetic or even empathetic. He prescribed me some medication to help with the pain that I was still having and gave me a lab slip to have my HCG levels rechecked the following week to make sure they went back down. I was lost. My world had just crumbled around me. This was not my first loss, but I was taking this one a lot harder.
Fast forward 2 weeks. I did not go and get my blood work done on the day I was supposed to. I didn't want to go at all, it was just going to remind me of the baby that I was never going to have. Well, the doctors office called and I got chewed out for not having it done, so I went that day. I got a phone call the next day, saying I needed to come in ASAP as my levels were not going down, but up! I was still pregnant. I went in the next day for another scan. This one actually showed something. There was a gestational sack and what looked like a fetal pole. But it was not measuring correctly. Again, I went into the Doctors office and was told that it did not look good. That the chances of this baby making it were slim. I went that day to get more blood work done. My HCG levels were still rising so the Doctor gave this baby a better chance. We still were not telling anyone. I tried not to get excited. I tried not to get my hopes up.
Fast forward another week. We went in for our weekly scan at the Doctors office. The tech was still drilling me about me getting my dates wrong. When she started the scan, she was taking her time. She never once looked up at me for the first 5 minutes. She then turned the screen around. There was my 2nd baby, but there was no heartbeat. I had now lost both of them. I am so thankful that Tim was there with me that day. I don't know what I would have done. I went in and saw the Doctor again. We talked about what my options were. They wanted me to have my HCG checked again and wanted me to come in for another scan the following week.
This past month has been a roller coaster for me. To go from finding out I was pregnant and then a week later to lose the baby, then two weeks later finding out that it was twins and I was still pregnant, to loosing that one as well. I have not passed the 2nd baby yet, and am scheduled to have a D&C done. I would love for my body to do what it is supposed to do and pass the baby on my own.
Not a lot of people know what we have been going through and I am finding it easier to talk about as the time goes by. But not a day goes by that I do not think about my two Angels. I have found a great support system through a Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/lilangelshankies . Now that I have written this all out I do feel a little better, but I know that this journey is still just beginning.
This is the Willow Tree Angel Of Remembrance. I bought this for my Angels. So I will always have something from them.
Erin, you are in my prayers. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious babies. What a roller coaster. May God use this hurt to make you stronger. Peace. Julie
ReplyDeleteErin, the loss of a child is the worse loss anyone can experience. Unfortunately, with miscarriage and still-birth, society sees nothing tangible and the parents don't get the appropriate support to grieve, especially the fathers. I am so sorry for your losses as well as your continuing pain and roller-coaster of emotions.
ReplyDeleteAs part of my training to become a psychologist, I chose to study bereavement, particularly following loss of a child. My parents lost 3 children, so I was predisposed to the research. You are showing what a brave young woman you are, to share these most intimate feelings with others. Hopefully, as you, and others like you, continue to share, some changes can be made in how society deals with 'invisible' losses.
I was never able to bear children. I had a complete ovario-hysterectomy when I was 26. There was no opportunity to grieve, either. Looking back, I should have had some counselling and support. Just as YOU need support. I am so pleased to read of the sites you follow. These will provide a support network, even if you don't meet face to face. I also hope that your wonderful husband, Tim, has some support. Fathers are often neglected, for a variety of reasons.
To deal with the loss of a child through still-birth and another through miscarriage, my neighbour collected garden cherubs to help her remember and to bring something positive from the experiences. Your Willow Tree Angel of Remembrance reminded me. I hope it helps you, as it helped her.
Love and light to you as you continue this journey of life. Hugs, Pat <3
Thank you so much for your words Pat. You are such a wonderful person!! I am so thankful to call you a friend <3
DeleteI'm so sorry. That angel is such a sweet way to remember. I came over from www.facebook.com/honoringachildborntoheaven. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know I received a lot of comfort after each miscarriage knowing I wasn't the only woman to go through this pain. Your story is a blessing.
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