Timmothy turns 9 today!!!

Wow!!!  Where has the time gone????  It seems like it was yesterday that I was in the hospital delivering him.  On June 2, 2003 I was admitted to the labor & delivery to start my induction.  At about 8am on the 3rd they came in and broke my waters.  There was meconium in it.  So in came the nicu team to wait for his arrival.  I received 3 different epidurals, yup go me, the first 2 didn't work.  Around 5 I started to push.  Timmothy was born at 9:28pm.  He was what they call an assisted vaginal delivery.  The doctor ended up having to use the "vacume" to help him out as he had gotten stuck in my pelvis.  So here he was, welcomed into the world, the only problem was he wasn't crying and he was purple in color.  After much suctioning and stimulation and O2 he finally cried and I was able to hold him for a few moments before they took him to the nicu for observation.  I woke up about 4 hours later in my room and asked that they bring him to me and with me is where he stayed for the rest of our stay.  Flash forward 9 years and I have a healthy, bright, extremely energetic boy!  He never ceases to amaze me.  He is definitely his mothers child, lol.  He is starting to outgrow the whole Mom I need you for everything.  He is becoming so independent and loves to hang out at his friends house verses our house.  Now I would say I am sorry for the picture overload, but I am not.  Here is Timmothy though the years :)

1st day of 

Kindergarten

1st day of first grade

Just the other day.  Where has the time gone?????

It's been a while

So wow, it has been a while since I have posted!  Sorry about that, I guess life has been busy.
Everything here for the most part has been good.  Tim is back working (YAY!!!!).  So between the crazy shifts I worked and his long ass hours, we were hardly seeing each other.  BUT that changed today.  I quit my job this morning!!!!

I have been working doing home health care for a "friend" of mine.  I started right before I lost the babies.  I was actually at work when the miscarriage started.  But anyways....  I absolutely adore the lady I was taking care of.  She is a sweet heart.  We shall call her P.  P has dementia, COPD, and diabetes.  When P is having her good days, she is such a sweet heart (yes I know I already said that).  Well, after I started miscarrying, I was told to take a couple of weeks off from work until everything was done.  I didn't listen and only took one day off, but getting that one day off was a pain in my ass.  I have always been available to cover for the other girls working there.  A lot of times, I was notified that day that I was needed to cover.  But it seems to me that when I needed someone to cover for me no one could.  When we had the stomach bug a couple of weeks ago & Ry could not go to daycare, no one could cover & I was told to bring my sick toddler to work with me.  Well, I spent Friday night in the ER for bronchitis.  I started trying to find coverage for my shift yesterday first thing Saturday morning (or at least when the meds didn't have me knocked out!).  Well surprise surprise........  NO ONE COULD COVER.  I was texting with my boss on and off Saturday and around evening time, she told me to come to work even though I was sick.  I kept telling her that I couldn't.  I have a note from the Dr and there was no way I would be able to take care of P.  My boss never texted me back after that on Saturday.  I sent her a text Sunday morning wanting to know what was going on.  Her first response was telling me not to worry about it, that she was working.  Then a couple of minutes later I got another text from her that I very quickly figured out was not supposed to be sent to me.  It said "Fuckin bitch just texted me what is going on I said dont worry about it im not asking ______ after a 24 hr shift and in bold i wrote _____ works 2 jobs and she deserves a break! Soooo I guess we arent going 2 New Hampture and im working so im like dont worry about it should have ended with u friggen bitch".  I feel like I have been taken advantage by her.  I was asked last week after I worked my 24 hour shift to add another 8 hours onto it so she could have the day off.  I was also called last minute twice to see if I could cover for _____.  I couldn't cause Tim was at work and got chewed out over it.  Well after the text this morning, I texted her back saying that I was glad that now I know how she feels about me and that I would sent Tim up to get my paycheck.  I also said that she needed to find someone else to work my shifts.

So I have learned a very valuable life lesson today.  NEVER WORK FOR YOUR "FRIENDS".  Not only do I no longer have a job, but I am no longer going to be attending the prayer circle that I was going to.  It is held at her house and I really don't feel comfortable going anymore.  I feel as if I have lost more than just her friendship, but part of my family.  It sucks for me because I really came to love some of the people in the prayer circle.   You live you learn.

Life Continues

Life continues to go on as usual.  Tim & I had the sad task of burying a friend on Sunday.  She was such a wonderful person.  We will  miss Jessica.  Here is the link to her obituary:http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/hartfordcourant/obituary.aspx?n=jessica-lynn-young-perrier&pid=157434564 .


It is so hard to bury someone so young.  I sadly consider myself a professional about it, as I worked in the funeral industry for almost 8 years.  I worked for a company that ran and maintained around 30 cemeteries through out the state of CT.  Some funerals are harder than others to attend, and funerals for young adults and/or children are always the hardest.  I can remember having to supervise funerals when I was pregnant with Ry.  One really sticks out in my head because it was a baby loss funeral.  I was around 7 months pregnant at the time and felt horrible being so obviously pregnant when this family was burying their pre-term still born.  It was one of the hardest things that I have gone through at work.  I cried right along with the parents while holding my stomach praying that I would never have to go through that.  


Fast forward a couple of years, and I have lost 3 babies with in less than a year.  None of my babies where buried.  I don't even know what the hospital did with one of the twins.  Two of them I passed on my own with out even knowing that was what it was.  


I have been working on my family tree as well as Tim's.  It hurts me to see so many other tree's that leave out Stillborn and Infant/toddler deaths.  They were a part of the family, no matter how long they lived.  I am trying to figure out how to add my miscarriages to my tree, as they were a huge part of my life no matter how long I actually carried them!  


On a different note, I find myself sinking into depression again.  The lack of sun here lately is killing me.  I need the sun out!!!  (So mother nature, if you are listening, enough with the cloudy and rainy days please.)  I was diagnosed as Manic Depressive & Bi-polar as a teen.  I went med free for almost 5 years, before asking to be put back on them for PPD.  It has now been around 1 year that I have been off of them again.  It is a hard struggle to find medications that work, and that you don't feel all zombified out on.  I think that is one of my biggest struggles right now.  But I find that blogging has helped with handling my depression as I have found an outlet for my feelings and emotions.  So to those that actually read these, I thank you for helping me!  If no one is reading these, well, thank you for helping me anyways, Lol.  


But anyways, here are some recent pictures of all of us :)

Me 

Tim getting ready for Jessica's funeral

Timmothy and his Gameboy :)

Me & Ry :)

It's been 2 months

It's been 2 months since I said goodbye to Baby A.  I can't believe how time has flown by.  I truly believe that I have gone through this for a reason.  That by going through this, I am stronger.  It is funny how one loss can hurt more than another.  My previous loss, I had only known for 2 days that I was pregnant (I had probably already lost the baby by the time I found out).  That loss didn't hurt as much.  Don't get me wrong, it hurt, it just seems like it hurt less than this one.  I don't think that you ever get over a loss, but you learn how to live with it (so to speak).  You heal, not only your body, but your mind.  I do believe that having faith helps as well.  While I do not believe in "God", I do believe there is a higher power and I call him/her the Creator.  I believe with all my heart that during my time of need he/she was with me and that he/she helped me through it and still is.

Other things in my life have gotten me very down lately.  I have been depressed.  I have been anxious.  Maybe it still has to do with my D&C, it has been 2 weeks now.  Maybe my hormones are still leveling off.  Who knows.  All I know is I look at my 2 boys every day and thank the Creator that I was allowed to be their mother and I will get to watch them grow up and have kids of their own.  Even if I do or do not have more children, I will always have my boys as well as my 3 angels watching over me and for that I give thanks every day!!

Life otherwise, continues to go on.  Ry is learning how to sign at "school" and I am so pleased that this time he is catching on.  I tried when he was smaller and he wanted nothing to do with it.  He is still my little baby though and wants Mommy if he gets a boo-boo.  Timmothy is happy to be back at school after being off for Spring Break, but the funny part is he is already counting down to the end of the school year.

Stomach Bug :(

I do realize that I have not been posting as much as I wanted to.  Between work, Mary Kay, and the boys I really do not get much time for me.

We have had a stomach bug going through the house this past couple of days, well more like 5 days.  Timmothy came down with it first on Friday night & then Ry & I came down with it Sunday night.  It's not easy to take care of a sick 20 month old when you are really sick your self.  I will admit I got lucky and Tim was home on Monday so I got to rest after being up just about all night.  I haven't felt that crappy since the morning sickness before my loss.

So needless to say, it's 1:25 AM and I am awake wondering if I want to try and eat something....  It's not looking all that great for this Momma tonight.

Life continues to go on around me.  My boys are getting bigger by the day (smarter too!).  Timmothy never fails to amaze me with what he is doing at school.  They are working on multiplication and fractions all at the same time, it's enough to confuse the daylights out of me but he seems to be getting the hang of it. He is also getting way to tall already.  I am short, but my almost 9 year old is only about 6 inches shorter than I :(.  I really should get a better picture of the two of us standing next to each other (with out me being in heals lol).

Ry is loving daycare!!  He is impressing his teacher with how smart & strong he is.  I am also very impressed with his teacher as well.  She runs a "Natural" daycare and does not believe in time-outs but does positive parenting.  Well his first day there last week, Ry would not nap with the other children.  What does his teacher do????  Pops on her Mei Tie and proceeds to wear Ry for almost 2 hours while he slept!!!  Can I say how thrilled I was to hear this.  Ry LOVES to be worn.

I have been told what a wonderful thing I am doing by writing about my loss.  That by my writing, I am helping other women.  That was not my intentions when I started doing this.  I needed an outlet for emotions and being able to write has helped them.  I used to journal or write in my diary, but now a days who actually has one right?  Every thing is online.  I am sure there are ways to make your posts super secret or something like that, but for right now, I have not written anything that I wouldn't want anyone to know.  If I am helping others, great!  I hope that they can find some healing in my words and my journey.  But not every post is going to be about my loss.  I do have my two living children that I love with all my heart and can't imagine my life with out them <3

It's been just over a week now.....

So it has been just over a week since the DNC and I have thrown myself into my Mary Kay business with out really taking any time for myself since the surgery.  


Things have been going well, the bleeding and cramping had pretty much completely stopped by Thursday.

I received the most amazing gift in the mail from Forever Warm thanks to my good friend Kayleigh.  Sorry for the crappy picture, it was taken from my phone.  The lovely Momma who made these is also a Angel Momma.  In the note you see, she explained to me some of her story and expressed her sorrow for my loss.  The two blankets are made out of the same yarn, to represent on pregnancy, but two different patterns to represent the two babies.  I bawled like a baby when I opened the box at the post office and immediately called Kayleigh to let her know they came in.  


I do feel like I am moving on and healing, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them.  I still think of them as Baby A & Baby B, but am trying to think of "unisex" names for them for us to remember them by.  I WILL make sure that they always remain a part of our lives no matter what happens from here.  


Miscarriage or pregnancy loss is not something you should be ashamed of.  I tried to hide it in my every day life for so long after I found out that the 2nd baby didn't make it.  I only told a select few. But it felt like I was lying to everyone including myself about how things were going.  So I started opening up a little and started this blog.  I am sure that this blog was the first a lot of people had heard of the babies and what was going on.  I will never ever forget the day that I got the positive pregnancy test and I still have the picture of them (yes I took more than one, I took like 3 or 4 but only took a picture of 2 of them).  I will never forget the feeling I had when I knew that I was carrying a life inside me again.  I will also never forget going to the Dr not even a week later and being told that I had lost the baby.  Then going back in the following week and being told that it had been twins and there was still one hanging on, barely, but there.  What I went through I would not wish upon anyone, but those who have been through it need support, they need people to talk to and have a shoulder to cry on.  I found great comfort in Lil Angels Hankies and Kayleigh.  They have been there through the whole thing with me and I will hold them dear to my heart for the rest of time.

Now I can start to heal.

My D&C was yesterday.  It was hard for me emotionally.  We got to the hospital around 7:00am and was in the prep room by 7:15.  They came in and talked with me and started my IV.  Tim got to stay with me during that whole time, and I napped against his shoulder on and off for around an hour.  At about 8:30 my Doctor came in and described to us what he was going to do (I won't get into that here).  At 8:45 I was kissing Tim goodbye and walking into the OR.  I can remember walking in and getting on the operating table, them placing the heart monitors on my chest and strapping me to the table.  At that point on of the Doctors said they were going to give me something to help me relax in my IV.  The next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery.  The nurse came right in and talked with me.  They were giving me Pitocin through the IV to help my uterus contract and stop the bleeding, so it was very painful.  She gave me a shot of something in the IV and off I went to La La land again.  The second time I woke up I started asking where Tim was.  I had been told before that he could be in there with me and now I was being told he couldn't.  I LOST IT!  I really really lost it.  I started crying hysterically.  So after a couple of minutes of that, they broke the rules and let him come in with me.   They kept me in recovery for about another hour, most of which I slept holding Tim's hand.  Then they moved us to post-recovery.  In post-recovery, I had to sit up, there were no beds, just chairs.  But I was finally able to eat and drink a little.  We were in there for almost 2 hours while waiting on my Rhogam shot.  All I wanted to do was go home.  Once I got my shot, off we went.  I napped on and off during the car ride home and for the rest of the day.

I am still sleepy today, but have managed to make myself stay up.  I am still on some pain medication for the cramping, which can get pretty intense at times.

I am thankful that the procedure was done and now I can truly start to heal.  My 2 little angels where with me yesterday during the surgery, I felt their presence.  I also had a huge network of friends and family praying for me that day.  I am so grateful for all the support I have received from my FB family.  I don't know what I would have done with out some of you.  Tricia, you have been amazing to me.  Kayleigh, I don't know what I would have done with out you.  I love you both more than I could every explain.

Hard day today.

I haven't written in a couple of days.  Life has been So/So.  I have been incredibly moody A.K.A Miss Bitch a lot.  I am blaming the pregnancy hormones that are still in my body.

My D&C is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:45 am.  We have to be there at 7:15 am.  It should be a fun morning as this Momma can't have any food or drink after midnight.  I am so not a morning person and just about everyone in my house knows not to come near me before I have at least 2 cups of coffee.  I am happy that there is finally a "end" in sight for this part of my journey.  It will be nice to have my hormones level off again, to be my normal bitchy self, lol.  I am my own worst enemy most of the time.  I have broke down in tears several times this past week out of no where.  The first was when I saw a picture of a positive pregnancy test and just a little while ago when I saw an ultrasound picture.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for both women!  It is just hard for me to see it right now.

The boys are doing great.  We have updated the empty fish tank into the Crabitat for the boys and got a couple more crabs for them.  Every day Timmothy comes home from school and goes straight to the tank to see them.  Once I can figure out exactly what they need, I will teach him to help care for them.  I will upload pictures another time of it.

But it is after Midnight and I have to be up bright and early at 6am, so I will probably blog some more tomorrow & maybe get some more pic's up.

Light and Love,

Erin

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter Everyone <3

We went to an Easter egg hunt yesterday. The boys had a blast. It was hard for me as there was a ton of little babies there. Some days are good and some days are hard. I have been having a hard time for a couple of days. After the egg hunt we went to a pet store. We originally went in for cat food, but who can go into a pet store and not walk out with more than they went in for. We bought Timmothy a hermit crab which he has named Cody (after Commander Cody from Star Wars). The lady that was helping us was very pregnant. I wanted to cry. I don't understand why some days are better than others, but I guess that goes with having a baby loss. They had Degu's there and that’s what I wanted to get. We used to have them and they all died as the result of one of them having babies (they got very nasty towards each other.) But Tim kept telling me no :(

The hermit crab is new to us. We have never had one before, so me being me came home and started doing a web search on how to properly care for them. Turns out the little cage that we got from the pet store, that said it was for hermit crabs, is not good for them. We are going to transform my 55 gallon fish tank into a crabitate. Tim finds it hysterical that I am calling it that. So this is our newest project, in between work & every day stuff. It should be fun!

I believe that this blog is going to kinda turn into a daily diary type of thing; I just have to remember that anyone can read it :). It has helped me in so many ways already. Being able to talk about the loss is healing and therapeutic. I hope I don't bore everyone with my daily life, but it is what it is.

I hope every one has a good Easter.  We are staying home and having a quiet day.

Timmothy waiting for the hunt to start.

Ry wasn't quite sure what to do.



A little more about me :)

So I know I started out with the heavy stuff yesterday and figured I would give you a little more about me and my history.

Like I said yesterday I am 29 years old with 2 boys and a great husband.

Timmothy was born on June 3, 2003.  He was 7lbs even and was delivered vaginally.  When people ask if I had a natural child birth, I say I had a natural child birth on drugs as my epidural did not work.  They tried and tried, but it didn't work.  I was induced with Timmothy at 42 weeks.  The induction was horrible.  I went in the night before and after over 18 hours of labor he was born.  When he was born he inhaled Meconium and was not breathing on his own.  They got him to start breathing, gave him to me for a couple of minutes then off to the NICU he went.  It was 4 hours later when I was finally able to see him.  After that I refused to let him out of my sight.  Once we got home from the hospital, I tried to breast feed.  I had a horrible support system for it and no one in the hospital even attempted to help me, so with in a week at my pedi's urging, I quit.  I was 20 years old and didn't know any better than to listen to what the pedi said.  Timmothy followed the CDC's recommended vaccination schedule up until he was 5 years old when he suffered a bad reaction to them.  He was rushed to the ER one night following his 5 year vaccines for having unexplained seizures, a high (like almost 105) fever, and was lethargic and non-responsive.  We spent just over 36 hours in the hospital with him while they ran all sorts of tests.  All of the tests came back inconclusive.  Turns out it was all a reaction to the vaccines he had gotten about 48 hours prior to the whole thing.  Since we have stopped vaccinating he has been healthier than every!!  When he was a baby he constantly had ear infections, sinus infections, severe asthma, and was even diagnosed with sleep apnea.  By the time he was 3 years old he had had two surgeries, one to remove his adniods (the supposed cause of the apnea) and one to put tubes in his ears to help stop the infections.  He was constantly sick as a young child as well, with URI's and the ear infections continued.  I couldn't even tell you how many days of school he missed.  This school year, he has missed one so far!!!  I co-slept/bed-shared with him until he was 4.  I never had any issues or problems with doing so.  He is my Big boy now!!!

Riley was born on August 6, 2010.  He weighed in at 7lbs 4 oz.  He was my C-Section baby.  I was diagnosed with Crohns after Timmothy was born and it is medically necessary for me to have C-sections from now on :(.  He breast fed until he was 3 months old when my supply tanked after I started to work again.  Riley is Vaccine free (except for the first HepB shot at the hospital).  Health wise, he only suffers from allergies.  He is my cloth diaper baby as well.  For the first 6 months we used disposables and could never clear up his diaper rash for good.  Some of my friends in a mother group I joined used cloth and recommended I try them.  With in the first 2 days of using cloth the rash was gone!!!  He is also extended rear facing in his car seat.  I still co-sleep/bed-share with him and probably will until I either have another baby or he decides he doesn't want to anymore.

I met Tim when I was 16 years old.  I never thought at that time that we would ever be together but boy was I wrong.  We lost touch for a couple of years and saw each other again when I was 18.  We hit it off right away and have been together pretty much ever since.  Our relationship has been rocky at points, but we always seem to work through it.  I love him with all my heart and can't imagine being with anyone else.






So that is more about me and my family.  I am sure that I will blog more about cloth diapers and extended rear facing as time goes on.  I am a huge natural parenting, breast feeding, non-vaxing, cloth diapering, extended rear facing, and non-circumcising advocate.

My Story

I am not even sure where to start this, but here is goes.....

My name is Erin.  I am 29 years old.  I have been blessed with 2 wonderful boys, Timmothy who is 8 and Riley who is 19 months.  I have been with my Husband Tim for almost 12 years.

This part of my story is hard for me to write.  I have not really talked about this other than to close friends or family.

On February 23, 2012 we found out that we were pregnant.  We had not been trying so it was a complete surprise.  After the initial shock wore off, we were both thrilled.  I started developing the common pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness and my breasts were tender.  We had decided not to tell anyone until after our first OB prenatal appointment.  Life went on as normal for the next week, I started my new job, took care of the boys, and was enjoying being pregnant.

On February 29, 2012, my 2nd day of work, I started cramping and bleeding.  I called my OB and they wanted me to go get my HCG levels checked.  They also wanted me to come in for an ultrasound the next day.  I called Tim panicking.  There was a snow storm that day.  I remember driving to the lab with out any issues but driving back to work was a different story.  I spent that night at a friends house close to where  I worked because the roads where bad.  The cramping got worse through out the night and I had started to pass large clots.  The next morning, I drove home and picked up Tim and Riley and off we went to the OB appointment.  When we got there, we went into for the ultrasound.  After about 5 minutes the tech asked me if I was sure I had my dates right.  I said yes.  I chart, I know my dates.  She showed me the screen, it was empty.  I had lost my baby and had passed it with out even knowing the night before.  We then went into the Doctors office to talk with him.  He had told me that it was natures way of weeding out sick and unhealthy babies.  Umm, way to talk to a mom who just lost her baby.  He was not very sympathetic or even empathetic.  He prescribed me some medication to help with the pain that I was still having and gave me a lab slip to have my HCG levels rechecked the following week to make sure they went back down.  I was lost.  My world had just crumbled around me.  This was not my first loss, but I was taking this one a lot harder.

Fast forward 2 weeks.  I did not go and get my blood work done on the day I was supposed to.  I didn't want to go at all, it was just going to remind me of the baby that I was never going to have.  Well, the doctors office called and I got chewed out for not having it done, so I went that day.  I got a phone call the next day, saying I needed to come in ASAP as my levels were not going down, but up!  I was still pregnant.  I went in the next day for another scan.  This one actually showed something.  There was a gestational sack and what looked like a fetal pole.  But it was not measuring correctly.  Again, I went into the Doctors office and was told that it did not look good.  That the chances of this baby making it were slim.  I went that day to get more blood work done.  My HCG levels were still rising so the Doctor gave this baby a better chance.  We still were not telling anyone.  I tried not to get excited.  I tried not to get my hopes up.

Fast forward another week.  We went in for our weekly scan at the Doctors office.  The tech was still drilling me about me getting my dates wrong.  When she started the scan, she was taking her time.  She never once looked up at me for the first 5 minutes.  She then turned the screen around.  There was my 2nd baby, but there was no heartbeat.  I had now lost both of them.  I am so thankful that Tim was there with me that day.  I don't know what  I would have done.  I went in and saw the Doctor again.  We talked about what my options were.  They wanted me to have my HCG checked again and wanted me to come in for another scan the following week.

This past month has been a roller coaster for me.  To go from finding out I was pregnant and then a week later to lose the baby, then two weeks later finding out that it was twins and I was still pregnant, to loosing that one as well.  I have not passed the 2nd baby yet, and am scheduled to  have a D&C done.  I would love for my body to do what it is supposed to do and pass the baby on my own.

Not a lot of people know what we have been going through and I am finding it easier to talk about as the time goes by.  But not a day goes by that I do not think about my two Angels.  I have found a great support system through a Facebook page,  http://www.facebook.com/lilangelshankies .  Now that I have written this all out I do feel a little better, but I know that this journey is still just beginning.

This is the Willow Tree Angel Of Remembrance.  I bought this for my Angels.  So I will always have something from them.